A Way Too Detailed Review of Empress Theresa

Background and Disclaimer

A little bit ago, I watched KrimsonRogue’s 5-part review of Empress Theresa. I was so intrigued and horrified that I had to read it and write my own review. I have been spoiled for this whole book, but it’s so nonsensical that it means essentially nothing. I’ll be reading this book over the course of however many days it takes me and logging my impressions. I’ll then do a conclusion once I’ve finished. Spoilers ahead.

If anything I say here sounds similar to points made in Krimson's review, that is purely a coincidince. We are reading the same book, after all.

Norman Boutin is known to engage in flame wars with critics of his book. The likelihood of him finding this review is pretty slim, but in case he does come after me, don't try to engage with him. It's just a waste of your time. I am convinced there is not a single thing anyone could say or do to get his head out of his ass. Also, don't buy his book. I'll provide the PDF I have here: [linkie here soon]

Since I am reading from a PDF of the book that does not have page numbers, I will be citing the quotes as (Boutin). If I had bought a physical copy of the book, I would have cited direct quotes in the MLA format I was taught (Author Page Number).

The Beginning

COVER: Dear god it’s bad. Apparently Boutin drew it himself. I guess he was too attached to Theresa to hire a professional to render her. Sadly, it seems as if it’s the best part of this book.

INTRO: It starts with two quotes from later in the book as well as a bible verse. The bible verse is fine, nothing wrong with that, but adding quotes from your own book at the beginning? Weird. They’re bad quotes too:

“I’m very simple. I follow my conscience. I am what I do. If you think that’s easy, try it for one day!” ----- Theresa Elizabeth Sullivan Hartley, the World Empress (Boutin)

“You can teach millions something more important. When the world falls apart around us, we look within ourselves and find ourselves. Show us what’s within you.” ----- British Prime Minister to Theresa Hartley (Boutin)

Such deep, thought provoking quotes. /s

Chapter 1

The book literally starts with Theresa bragging about how awesome she is. I wish I was kidding. She goes on like this for a hot while. She compares herself to Hitler (bad move!!) and claims she will be remembered longer than him, Churchill, and Lincoln. She also claims that no one remembers Charles Martel, even though the fact that he is mentioned proves that we do still remember him. She really makes some bold claims. I am currently working in between writing this part of the review, and I am doing my actual job so I don’t have to read anymore of this tripe.

She goes on for a little while longer, talking about pressures and stuff. I skimmed this because it’s boring as hell. After that, she mentions an “incident” that happened before she was born, in which her mother saw a fox and they stared at each other for a little bit. This is fairly important in the book, but IRL this would mean nothing. It’s a fox, for Christ’s sake. Oddly, she mentions this in the middle of another story she was telling, which is certainly a choice that was made. The story she tells is from when she was 10 (the timeline is a bit jank, but that will be relevant a little later). She’s chilling by a pond when a fox (the same one from before) comes out of the woods and walks up to her. Then this weird white ball of light comes out of the fox and enters Theresa’s stomach. I know the mental image you have right now. It’s not good. This is worded so poorly that it sounds horribly inappropriate. Theresa freaks out and runs home (understandable). Her older sister Catherine is like “It’s a fox chill out” and Theresa just kinda goes up to her room to ruminate. I don’t see why she didn’t tell her older sister what happened, but whatever. She then hears some firetrucks and goes to see what’s happening. Apparently, the firefighters are trying to find a fire that does not appear to exist. Somehow Theresa just divines that this has to do with her because she’s built different or something. They’re looking for a fire because the temperature in the area had suddenly jumped way up. Eventually it goes down, and they leave. Weird. Spoiler: Theresa radiates heat, which is why the temperature climbed. This is barely relevant, just like most of the details in this “book”.

A couple of days later, Theresa discovers that there are vans waiting outside in her neighborhood and she immediately assumes they’re watching her. She calls the pizza place to try and confirm that the feds aren’t listening to her phone line. I don’t understand what this does but it happens. A lot of things happen in this book.

That weekend, Theresa and her mom go the mall and a man follows them. She does the same trick she did with the pizza number and finds that they are indeed intercepting her calls now.

She watches 2001: A Space Odyssey. She then names the entity living inside her HAL, after the computer in the movie. I’ve not seen that movie, but I highly doubt these two HALS have anything in common.

A random government lady gives Theresa her number, who unquestioningly accepts it because she’s stupid or something. I’m not exactly well-versed on how government agencies operate, but I don’t think it’s like this. Theresa calls her. The lady’s name is Jan Struthers and she and her fed buddies have been interested in Theresa ever since the encounter with the fox. Jan gets Theresa to tell her about what happened that day. Apparently, HAL is an alien entity that somehow got to Earth and made a home inside Theresa. For some reason, very few of the agents stalking Theresa know why they’re doing it. While this is certainly classified information, I feel like it’s stupid to not inform the agents of why they’re doing their job. It’s just gonna make them incompetent and prone to mistakes. God this book is hell. I already have a page of notes and this is not even through the first chapter.

Theresa then gets an aimbot. Cool. This is barely relevant. She talks about irrelevant stuff.

She then starts fifth grade. This is where the janky timeline comes in. From what I understand, Theresa was supposed to be younger, but Boutin aged her up and didn’t edit the book so that would make sense. Please keep this in mind as the book goes on.

Theresa gets super-strength and accidentally breaks a bottle of steak sauce (who the hell keeps steak sauce in a glass bottle, anyway?). Honorable mention to this banger of a line:

“The trouble with these steak bottles was that the cap was so narrow. There was no leverage to twist it. I tried harder. No wonder little old ladies starved to death” (Boutin).

Huh? What?

Anyway, she goes to her priest, Father Richard Donoughty, and tells him about what she’s experiencing. I keep thinking “Father Doughnut” whenever I read this fool’s name. I guess Boutin tried to make him have an Irish name but didn’t bother with much research. Jan comes and talks to Richard and he agrees to keep his mouth shut. He tells the Cardinal and they verify that Theresa is not possessed.

Some time passes, and Theresa gets to skip from 5th grade to 7th because she’s smart and because she has long, thick hair… Not sure why this would be a reason, but Boutin clearly has a fetish. This is like some sort of sick absurdist comedy.

Theresa talks a little more with Jan and then her family moves to Boston.

Thank god this is the end of Chapter 1.

Chapter 2

Timeskip to high school, thank God. Theresa gets on the boy’s baseball teams b/c of the aimbot. This is actually explained – her school is small and there aren’t usually enough fellas to make up a guy’s team. Thank you, Boutin. Just this once. She got on TV for whatever reason. People apparently say mean things about her on the internet, which is par for the course in this day and age. She talks to her teacher, who tells her about a very strange commercial:

“There was a TV commercial years ago I never forgot. A young woman had three horses and bought a fourth, a miniature horse only two feet high. She put the little horse in the corral with the three normal sized horses. They sniffed the little horse and ran away from him. The little horse had very short legs and couldn’t run. He walked towards the big horses who kept running away. He followed them everywhere but couldn’t get within fifty feet of them. Finally, the little horse gave up and stared at the big horses and towards the house where the young woman watched out of her window. It was very sad. The little horse didn’t understand why he was being rejected. “Then the woman ordered something online. That was what the commercial was about. She ordered a dog door for the front door of her house. Now the little horse could come into the house and be with the woman anytime he wanted. She talked to him and patted him on the head while she read a book or watched television. Intelligent animals like horses and dogs love close contact with humans. We must seem like gods to them. The little horse ended up better off than the other horses. “Keep plugging away, Theresa. You will be better off than these trolls. They can’t follow where you will go.” (Boutin)

Apparently, this is a real commercial for Amazon. Boutin totally misconstrued this (admittedly weird) commercial as a weird underdog moment. This is stupid. This is all stupid. Honestly, most of this stuff is just Theresa rambling, so I have been skimming.

During her junior year, Theresa meets with Jan again to discuss HAL and plans for her future. Jan drops some lore about HAL. Apparently some amateur stargazer saw a 100 foot long white ball like HAL crash into the ground. A small agency was created to watch it. Ok, whatever, fine. I suppose I can accept that lore.

During her senior year, Theresa gets a strange letter (with just her name, no address) asking her to meet with someone named Jeremy Benton. She tries to email Jan but can’t, as her email address is invalid. Maybe it’s because it’s linked to “snoop.gov,” but I don’t know. She decides to meet this Jeremy fellow along with Richard. Turns out he’s the personal assistant to the British Prime Minister, Peter Blair. Funny that there was (is?) a Prime Minister named Tony Blair. I don’t think Peter and Tony have anything in common, but it’s not unlikely Boutin just tried to make Tony Blair and changed his first name to Peter to disguise his little trick. I can see right through you, Norman. I know. Benton knows about HAL and informs Theresa that Jan has seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. Also Jan had been constantly documenting Theresa since she was 10. So that’s totally cool and not at all terrifying. If I was Theresa I would have flipped my shit 30 pages ago. It apparently has something to do with the new President Martin, but Boutin is such a shit fucking writer that I genuinely cannot understand what anything has to do with itself.

Theresa rambles about random stuff for a little longer and the chapter ends. God, I hate it here.

Chapter 3

Theresa is now in college – Boston College, she tells us. It’s not a bad school, honest. Which is why it shouldn’t be in here. She mentions how sheltered she is compared to the other students.

I haven’t mentioned this, but Theresa is Catholic, and supposedly a devout one, which is bullshit because she does like no religious stuff. One can reasonably assume things happen off-screen, but this detail was most definitely only included because Boutin has a thing for Catholic girls.

In the college cafeteria, Theresa meets two men, whom she dubs Mr. Intense and Mr. Fastmove. They make moves on her because of course they fucking do. Fastmove (Jack Koster) isn’t relevant beyond this chapter, but Intense (Steve Hartley) is, so remember him.

Later, Theresa gets called into campus security by a cop. Turns out two strangers are following her and it’s a concern.

Also, apparently the Pope paid for Theresa’s scholarship for a “secret reason.” She’s just so special and awesome and cool and everyone loves her!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to scream!!!!

Theresa demands that the president of BC call his boss, “The Director,” and he does. Then this Director fellow calls the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.


Anyway, everyone agrees to keep the situation hush-hush and Theresa leaves. That was pointless. Like this whole book is, but whatever.

Later, Theresa goes to hang out with Jack, Steve, and some other people, and she walks into the room and has an awkward moment. She leaves and goes to put on a dress called her “little black nothing” and returns. Catholics are big on modesty. Trust me, I know a fair few things about those guys. Boutin is just being horny.

Theresa then watches a movie that involves an evil dictator. I’d love to believe this is self-aware comedic foreshadowing, but it isn’t. Boutin isn’t that clever.

This story would work well as a psychological horror (with a few edits, OFC). Maybe that can be my next writing project?

Steve comes into her dorm and they spend some time together. There was some drama with Jack two-timing with another girl, but it’s not relevant so I didn’t bother writing it down.

Theresa and Steve become a couple. She talks about him a lot and it’s so boring. This book is so boring. They’re a boring couple. I am once again doing my actual job to not have to read this.

They then get engaged just out of high school. This is one of the only things Theresa does that is in character for a Catholic girl.

They have their wedding and Theresa talks about how her “cleavage charmed the crowd” (Boutin).

Here’s where the timeline comes in! Since Theresa was aged up, she was originally written to be about 15-16! Boutin, you nasty fucking deviant!!

They move into a small apartment and the chapter ends.

Chapter 4

Theresa gets fucking kidnapped.

I'm not kidding.

Her kidnappers put her in an airplane and tell her that they are taking her to an aircraft carrier, where she is to be killed. Naturally, she reflects on her life, except it’s boring and it sucks. For some reason, she makes a big deal about not crying as she’s being taken to her actual death, which is so strange and it kinda reeks of sexism.

Eventually, the kidnappers tell her how she’ll die: They will place her in a plane with an atom bomb and detonate it.

This is a real book that a real person wrote.

Can they not just shoot her or poison her? I mean, the US government aren’t strangers to assassination. There are a million easier ways to have her die. This is just a waste of resources and a danger to any poor civilians that will pick up the leftover radiation. Besides, if a nation that happens to not like the US very much notices that they detonated an atom bomb in the atmosphere, that could cause international strife and possibly a war. Also, they planned to wait till the next day to do this for whatever reason. I suppose it’s because of travel times and such.

The government didn’t tell these guys about HAL either. I don’t understand why the government is so weird about this, considering that by all accounts, Theresa is an ordinary college student. It would make everyone’s job much easier if the agents just knew stuff.

Also, shoutout to this choice quote:

“If I were to write my autobiography now I’d write three lines: ‘I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb’” (Boutin).

This is actually pretty funny. It could make a good opener for the book, but we live in the worst timeline and that didn’t happen.

They arrive at the carrier and Theresa is just allowed to wander around with no security or anything. If she’s such a big threat that she needs to be fucking obliterated with a nuke, why don’t they have any measures in place to keep her from running amok? Anyway, she goes down to the mess hall to grab some grub. She gets a meal, which consists of “…two tuna sandwiches, a piece of chocolate cake, an 8 oz carton of milk, and a cup of coffee” (Boutin). Not a terrible choice for a last meal. She then finds the beverage dispenser and grabs 12 large bottles of Coke. This is relevant later, but it’s so weird because Theresa doesn’t tell us what she plans to do until she’s doing it, so she just looks insane. Also, from what I remember from Krimson’s review, the plan was wild as hell, so it tracks. She also grabs a garbage bag to store 11 of the bottles in.

The agents get her up at 4 in the morning (so early!!) and take her on a helicopter. They give her thermal underwear (for some reason), but it actually works with her plan (FOR SOME REASON).

Boutin goes on an anti-atheist rant. Honestly, he’s like the polar opposite of Onision and his anti-religion rants. Those two should kiss or something.

Maybe after this, I’ll review Onision’s books.

Theresa then says a prayer, which she claims is a “non-standard” one, but it’s literally “the Lord is my shepherd,” which is the most standard prayer of all time. Basic bitch.

They stop to refuel, and the kidnappers go through a whole bunch of rigamarole to make sure Theresa’s pathetic little neck doesn’t break on impact. I don’t know how much precedent this has in real life, but I doubt it’s this extensive. Honestly, it would be funny if they go through all this effort to get rid of Theresa and she experiences too much G-force and just fucking dies.

They get to the second aircraft carrier (????) and all the officers are shocked that Theresa’s a woman because apparently communication just doesn’t exist in this universe. Then this random officer lady starts recording Theresa, which is a big violation of protocol, and asks her if she has any last words. She says a shortened (and much worse) version of a quote from the Shawnee Chief Tecumseh. I’ll do a comparison of his original quote and the version that Boutin came up with.

“When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.” (Tecumseh)

“’If people grieve your passing rejoice in the good you did and die like a hero going home. I feel good about who I was.’” (Boutin)

They’re barely the same quote!! The second one is so much worse!! Couldn’t Boutin have come up with a similar quote that didn’t shit all over the original one (which is a genuinely cool quote)?? I’m sure poor Tecumseh is turning in his fucking grave over this one.

Anyway, the plane with the bomb takes off, and Theresa starts on her escape plan, and it’s so much weirder than I could have ever imagined. She takes seatbelts from the plane to make a harness type of thing. Then, she empties the Coke bottles and ties them in various places around her body. Then, she jumps out of the plane.


Theresa lands hard in the water and passes out. End scene (and Chapter 4).

Chapter 5

Theresa wakes up in a hospital bed. Blair is there. She’s like “Oh shit, does everyone know about HAL now? How did y’all get to me before the assassins did?” and he’s like “You’ve been dead for two weeks.”

Well, she died. And now she’s alive again. Unlikely, but let’s see how she pulled this off before casting judgement.

Apparently, the whole world is talking about her, and no one has said anything bad ever. I call bullshit on this, considering that when she was on TV in high school, people did say mean things about her. Also, she says that “[p]eople with problems don’t change the world” (Boutin).

Gargle my balls, Theresa!

Blair leaves, and the nurses help get Theresa cleaned up. They never took off the clothes that she was wearing when she fell into the ocean, which is so weird. Like, why would they not put her in a hospital gown???

Blair comes back and Theresa eats some fish and chips, which Boutin puts in quotations for some reason. Certainly an interesting choice, considering that fish and chips are the only good British food there is.

When the doctors revived her, there was apparently concern that she would just die right afterwards. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. She asks to go to the hotel she is going to be staying at (she is in London), but first, she has to go on TV and show the world that she’s alive. People are going nuts over this bitch because it apparently took 14 hours to revive her.

In other news, there isn’t anymore wind. Anywhere. It has something to do with HAL, I’d guess, but that remains to be seen. Without the wind, there would be no rain and the world would starve, supposedly. I don’t see why the rain would stop, but having no wind would be concerning, since getting rid of it would entail eliminating atmospheric pressures and severely fucking with the climate.

Blair asks for an interview about HAL and Theresa agrees to go on BBC. She goes to her hotel and gets the most banging suite in the world, on the 58th floor of the hotel, which is just comical. Also, the hotel attendant calls her “mum” for some reason. I guess she’s horny or something. Theresa and the lady (whose name is Nancy) do a little shopping.

There’s some talk about Theresa’s kidnapping. Her family and husband Steve had no idea about HAL. They find a bunch of mathematical jargon on her computer titled “MISSION IMPOSSIBLE” and they try and crack it, but they can’t. Probably because it’s just nonsense. Also some government official says that Theresa did more good than any Medal of Honor winner, which is just not true. The surveillance on Theresa apparently cost half a billion dollars, which is a stupid thing for the government to waste money on, but I suppose it isn’t too out of line.

Honestly, most of this chapter is just various people sucking Theresa’s dick. It’s boring.

Suddenly, President Martin resigns. Cool. Don’t care.

Chapter 6

Martins’ VP, Veronica Stinson, is sworn in. It’s boring. Theresa seems to think so as well.

When the rescue team was looking for Theresa’s carcass, they found it floating in the middle of a bunch of dead sharks. The sharks had been trying to get to her but were being killed by HAL. Stating it now because it’s obvious.

They managed to get her and determine that she’s dead and it’s been that way for a while. Blair talks about all this on TV and he’s super fucken dramatic about it and who cares.

The doctors decide to revive her because she’s perfectly preserved. I guess HAL also did that??

The method they use to revive her is fucking insane. They do no CPR, no rescue breaths, no shocks, no drugs, NOTHING!!! They just put her in a warm room for a little bit and wait!!


Anyway, there’s some chitchat about HAL and stuff, and there’s a choice quote that is so fucking funny, considering all the shit that happens later in the book:

“I told Nancy, ‘He’s not talking about the wind. He’s talking about what I’ll do later. He knows I won’t mess up the world like a world dictator’” (Boutin).

Yeah… Sure… Keep telling yourself that, Theresa.

Now everyone expects Theresa to restore the wind and save everyone because she has HAL. She goes to a meeting of various world government officials to discuss what they’re going to do.

The chapter ends here. It’s pretty short. Honestly, Chapters 5 and 6 should really be one whole thing. Whatever.

Author's Note: The first 6 chapters of this review were written in late July of 2021. I had forgotten about this project for almost a year. As of writing this author's note, it is April 7th, 2022, and I am going to continue this review.

Chapter 7

Theresa goes to the meeting. There are about ~12 government officials there, not including Blair, who is late. Theresa talks about her boobs and ass for a bit, then Blair comes in. They discuss HAL. It’s a lot of science jargon, but none of it really makes sense. HAL is made of dark matter and is held together by his own gravity… how? Theresa then talks about what HAL does for her. He protects her from injuries- Oh, no, my bad, he “Takes care of [her] bones” (Boutin). She also gets super strength and aiming accuracy (remember the aimbot?). Also, it makes her hair grow thicker and longer. Glad to know Boutin is consistent with this fetish, at least.

Theresa and the government officials are still puzzled why HAL stopped the wind. Theresa postulates that HAL is stupid because he doesn’t talk and inadvertently put the world in danger. If I was HAL and I heard that, I would have just exploded Theresa right then and there. Absolutely disrespectful.

Theresa goes on to say she made amazing counterpoints to every point Blair made about HAL. However, she still doesn’t really understand HAL, and she admits that herself, so that doesn’t really make sense. She postulates he’s “defending her merger,” which I guess is to mean that HAL wants to keep his host, Theresa, alive. Which is fair. Also, they mention the fox from the beginning again, stating that HAL had never seen anyone raking leaves before, which is how HAL got to first Theresa’s mother, then Theresa.

God almighty.

They call a break and Theresa steps out. Also, this entire thing was an interview on live TV and more than four billion people watched it. Just forgot to mention.

After the break, Theresa gets back on and makes a grand postulation about HAL. He is apparently the natural remnant of the Big Bang, and there are many others like him in space. They cling to creatures and adapt some of their characteristics, then move on to more and more complex ones. HAL’s own structure is dependent on a host.

At least that’s what I think she said. It was terribly written and used a really confusing metaphor. But after a couple of re-reads, I think I can puzzle out what she meant.

Also, HAL can perform reflexes even faster than his host can. This protects the host. That’s why HAL stopped the wind – to protect Theresa. It was merely a reflex, so he can’t bring the wind back. However, she suspects that by manipulating his reflexes, she could control HAL.

Honestly, in a better written sci-fi story, this would all be reasonably believable. However, this is all so badly written that it makes absolutely zero sense. Great work, Boutin.

The interview ends and is followed by crazy media speculation. Theresa is given some sort of vague government power. However, they need to hide Theresa, so assassins don’t get her. That’s fair, honestly. They decide to go to the UK. The chapter ends with Theresa and Blair officially becoming friends. Yay.

Chapter 8

Theresa goes back to her hotel and does a little praying. She frets over her situation a bit (understandable) and then goes to bed. The next day, she gets breakfast in her bed and watches the news. Apparently, the only thing anyone can talk about is her. Now, I understand having this be a big news story, but there are other things happening in the world. Like, OK. As of April 8th, 2022, there is a conflict in Ukraine. It’s a huge news story and is all in the newspapers. However, there are also other news stories. It’s damn near unbelievable that the ONLY thing the news can talk about is Theresa in this situation. Also, they’re UNIVERSALLY supporting her. That’s INSANE. We can’t even agree on the existence of an actual fucking pandemic and yet here we are, with a person who’s being 100% adored and loved. Dear god, Boutin.

Theresa gets her luggage brought to her. Steve flies into London to join her. Some rando makes a “Doomsday Clock” chronicling the food reserves left. Ominous! They have 228 days left until everyone dies. They go to Blair’s place with his wife and four children. On the way, Theresa says that people are saying stupid shit about HAL, even though like, 20 minutes ago, she was saying how everyone was supportive?? They talk about HAL some more. Boring. Also, when asked why Theresa refers to HAL as “he” instead of “it,” she says the most confusing thing ever:

“I thought he was an alien for a long time. It’s males who go out seeking adventure. I don’t know why. It’s like the guys who climb Mount Everest. A quarter of them are killed or permanently injured. A surgeon lost the use of his hands from frostbite. What’s the point?” (Boutin)

Hey, hey Norman?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Also, Theresa said that Steve was really helpful in helping her figure out HAL. Well, at least he isn’t entirely useless. Good for him. The former president Martin is apparently having a mental breakdown. Honestly, same. I get it. Blair makes a ton of literary allegories and it’s annoying as hell. Then Theresa rambles about herself and Steve for a whole page and it doesn’t matter one bit.

The gang gets to Blair’s pad. It’s actually pretty sick. They don’t meet the family just yet, but there is a butler, maid, and chauffer. Steve gets to London and finally reunites with Theresa. THEN they meet the family (the delay was unnecessary lol) and no one talks about them ever again. They take a day to settle in (reminder: they have less than a year to fix the wind). Finally, they do some strategizing (I think? It’s not elaborated on). The next day, Theresa gets informed by the Head of Mail that she has thousands of packages, but they need to screen them. She’s fine with that and receives over 200 packages and 6000 letters. Jesus God Almighty. She gets a shit ton of money.

After a little bit, Theresa and Company settle into a routine. I’ll let her tell y’all what it is:

“As the week went on we settled into a routine. Three hours was about all I could take doing the intense work I was doing. So after working from 8 to 11 in the morning I’d take a walk around the estate with Steve. Then it was lunch. Then work from 1 to 4 in the afternoon and a couple of hours of reading or television before dinner. Finally, maybe an hour or two of work in the evening before winding down to bedtime.” (Boutin)

Useless! Pathetic! The world is most surely doomed!

Also, fun fact: Boutin’s grammar is shit. I’ll try not to correct too much of it unless Microsoft Word keeps bugging me about it.

Theresa writes a letter to her mom and Blair sucks Theresa’s dick to the British government for like 5 hours.

Chapter 9

Theresa starts trying to control HAL. I suppose it’s trying to invoke the feeling of a training montage. Truly riveting writing. Steve sorts through mail. People are sending the gang crazy cash. It’s wild.

Also, someone asks Steve why Theresa doesn’t appear on TV, and he says “People wouldn’t like her. She’s too perfect” (Boutin). Whatever you say, buddy. Theresa sucks her own dick for a little bit as well. Someone makes a poster of Theresa and sends it to her.

A few days pass, no progress is made, so Steve and Theresa decide to take a trip to Paris. They do a bunch of sneaky bullshit to get there without being assassinated. They see Champs-Elysees, which is quite nice actually. They then go to the Louvre. Then they visit the Notre Dame Cathedral and Theresa doesn’t like it. Cringe. They then climb the Eiffel Tower, and they lament about the hype of Paris leading to major disappointment. Not to editorialize, but I’ve been to Paris, and it was quite nice. I was 11, so I don’t remember too much of it. I did everything Theresa and Co. did except climb the Eiffel Tower (I have a deathly fear of heights), and I enjoyed it all. Sure, it’s overhyped, but there’s still plenty of cool things to do.

I honestly can’t believe I’m defending the French right now, but desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose. They then go out at night and are surprised that people go out at night. It’s not like the French are the only people with nightlife. These people are lame as hell. They get judged for dressing more casual than the other people in the restaurant. They then take off their disguises (since when did they have those?) and immediately book a flight to Ireland. Now, I like to joke about hating the French, but this is just a little excessive.

They go to Ireland, do some folk dancing, and have a fun time. After two days there (which they tell us nothing about), they go back to England. Also, Theresa apparently really likes chipmunks, so they had a bunch of them brought over from America. Twenty-five of them, to be exact. Okay? Lol.

Chapter ends with Theresa telling us it’s been three weeks since she promised to save the world.

Chapter 10

Theresa continues training. She hates it. After one session, she lays on her bed with eyes closed, when she sees that HAL is trying to duplicate her appearance (poorly). He then merges with her consciousness and takes her high, high above the Earth. Then she covers her face, and it brings her back. Apparently, she has a new power – she can get a bird’s eye view of the planet by covering her face. That’s actually kind of baller, not gonna lie. She can also zoom in and out. She tells Steve. She then figures out how she can control HAL. It’s a major breakthrough! Yay! Blair tells the House and Theresa does some more training, this time actually having fun with it.

Seven weeks have now passed. More planning ensues, it’s really not interesting.

Chapter 11

Theresa gets sad because she’s cooped up in a beautiful mansion. Cry about it. She runs off into the woods and finds a village. Everyone is happy to see her and invite her to be the guest of honor at their picnic. A bunch of government grunts follow her and stay creepily on the edge of the picnic. There’s some entertainment, and after a couple of hours, Theresa takes her leave.

Two months have passed. Everyone is both freaking out and not freaking out. More anti-atheist bullshit. Now really. I’m an atheist myself, funny enough, and I’ve had lots of silliness directed at me, so it’s barely even offensive. I just wish Boutin didn’t break into random rants like this. It’s annoying, really.

Theresa does her first large-scale manipulation of HAL and creates a ten-foot column of water off the Gloucester coast. How exciting! This is real progress towards Theresa’s plan, which is still not really clear at this point. The media is very excited about it.

A week later, she gets 6 water columns going in the Pacific, near Hawai’i. They’re a hundred feet wide each and rise at 200 MPH. They climb for 45 minutes than fall down. A funny little title drop occurs and China gets stressed about it. Now their reaction is understandable, but I feel like Boutin put that in because he might have a problem with the Chinese…

Steve decides to fly to New York and speak at the UN.

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